I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
pop tarts are not kleenex
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize