please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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