i think my tv is drunk
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
