I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
