You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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