My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
