Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
