3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
