I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
