I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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