WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
