I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dick very happy bro
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
