Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
