u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
