My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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