my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
