Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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