She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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