remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
