Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
