If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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