I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
