Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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