My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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