i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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