I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize