Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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