you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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