My sheets look like a crime scene.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
