I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
