I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
