before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
