The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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