May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My cat gives me a boner
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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