Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
