I haven't been this sober since birth.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
