She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
