So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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