I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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