i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
