I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
