I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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