my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
