My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
