I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
