last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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