Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
