$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
