pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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