All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
