I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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