Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize