I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
