the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
