Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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