so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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