i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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