There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
