Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
we should paint friendship bongs
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