fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
