last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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