Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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